I find myself more and more comfortable calling myself a Christian. Thinking about it, I think this is the first time I have truly professed it to others, save for a select few other Christian friends. Many years ago, I left the church, bitter and angry with God and Christianity. Sparing all the details, I had a lot of bad experiences caused by people who were "devote and holy people". People that were really nothing but hypocrites. Suddenly being on the outside looking in just made me feel more bitter towards Christianity. Just seemed like there were a lot of people preaching one thing and doing another, spewing hate instead of love, damnation instead of forgiveness. After a few years of searching for something else and dabbling in other things, I had a re-awakening as I like to call it. In all those years, I still found myself turning to God, talking to him, even though I was denying his existence. I debated and reasoned with him every chance I got, asking for explanations as to why things were the way they were, how He could allow things to be this way. In that time, I became friends with someone who was so different from other people I knew. She did not walk around preaching or judging, she just was who she was. She was a reflection of what I thought Christianity was about and was supposed to be and she became my inspiration without knowing it. Unfortunately, I changed jobs and didn't get to see her after except for one visit, which is when I let her know what she had done for me. But, in her friendship I realized what it was that I was looking for in Christianity, I realized my anger was with Christians and not with Christ, and that I wanted to be a Christian. Not a Christian that gets dressed every Sunday morning in her nice clothes and sits in a pew listening to a preacher and singing hymns, regurgitating memorized passages to other believers (not that there is anything wrong with that). I wanted to be a follower of His word, I wanted to be the person Christ asked me to be. I do not pretend to be perfect nor do I act like what some people believe a Christian should act like, but I try my best to be a reflection of Christianity in my actions. I try not to judge, I try to forgive, and I try to just be a good person. This is the Christian I am and I'm OK with that. And, Stephanie, I hope you are still doing well...
I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me.
Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.