New Journey

I am on a remarkable journey
It has been lots of
ups and downs,
twist and turns,
U-turns and dead ends,
but it is my journey.
I have been marveling on where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm becoming.
Yes, almost 37 and still "becoming",
Becoming what I thought I already was:
A mom,
A daughter,
A friend.

This journey has changed me in a way that has prevented me from continuing with my blog. I have not wanted to get personal or share anything more than my art, but I cannot help what my soul is screaming out for me to do. It wants to write, it wants to share. I don't want to tarnish this blog with the trivial concerns of life, thoughts and feelings, so I guess I will share my journey on my other blog, Altered Spirit. That's how I'm feeling right now anyway - altered. Still not sharing that blog yet - not feeling quite brave enough to share it with the world. I'm sure months from now I will regret leaving this blog and sharing too much on the other, but for now I am fine and now is where I am living.

I may be back, maybe tomorrow, maybe never - but I'm sure I'll be around.

Insane? Really??

What a long strange day it has been. I know I haven't been around much lately, but I just haven't been creating anything new. I've been writing, but just not wanting to share. I decided to take an extra day off and make it a 4 day weekend in hopes of maybe finding some motivation or something but instead spent most of it sleeping.
I went to visit my friend, Ophelia at Jerry's today and was talking to her about how completely lazy I have been this weekend, taking several naps on Friday and a 5 hour nap on Saturday. Now, when it comes to sleep, I don't do it well - I never have. I suffered from night terrors as a child, would sleep walk and talk in my sleep. This was not an "on occasion" occurrence, but fairly often and have been known to act out in my sleep even as an adult (my ex can tell you some funny stories of my punching him in my sleep then giggling about it). So, to get back to my story, I tell my friend about my naps and a total stranger walks by and says that I'm probably depressed. Really?? You know that from overhearing one little statement? I really didn't bother with letting her know how I felt about her butting into my conversation, but it put a bug in my mind. Am I depressed? I mean, I am the master when it comes to being totally oblivious to how I really feel. I've spent so many years hiding my feelings to keep control of my sanity that I don't recognize when I am heavy hearted until I am in total despair. As annoying as it was to have someone walking by to comment on my state of mind, I wonder if someone was trying to drop a hint. I wonder if God was trying to tell me that I am falling and I need to get up. It seems so silly to be my age and not know myself, but I don't. So, i guess I will begin the self-analysis and hopefully get myself out of this creative funk and maybe not fall into a mental funk.

Internet Porn

I am so ashamed - I have become addicted.
Yes, very embarrassing to admit, but my time has been spent away from my art, away from writing or blogging and has all been spent on my version of internet porn: Pinterest.
Eye candy galore.
Ideas out the ying yang.
So sadly, no new "real" post to write or art to show. Just wanted to share my new addiction with you so that I can drag you into it too.
I have been reading quite a bit though and have renewed my love of poetry. Pablo Neruda is currently at the top of my list and definitely worth a read. I've also been reading Pablo Coelho's blog. I love the way he writes - it's almost like his words are singing. Maybe that's why I haven't bothered - reading something as beautiful as he writes then trying to write myself, makes my writing look like a first graders work. But, I'm getting back in the groove. Trying to keep my computer off until late evening and playing with the kids. Mother's day was nice and that was the day I decided to give a gift to my kids - to give them a real mother. Not that I'm a horrid mother, but I know I could be much better. I think I got stuck in the mentality that "I never thought I'd have kids because I wouldn't be a good mother", and because of that, I've never tried to be a good mother. Kinda like someone telling you that you'll never amount to anything so you never end up trying because you've always been told you'd fail. Unfortunately I was the one calling myself a failure at parenthood - but because of that, I can fix it. I can be a good mom. I have started small. I got a hammock and the kids and I lay in it almost everyday before we go into the house. Normally, I would make some excuse to have to go in and not lay around with them. We also have movie night were we all sit together with no CPU or cell phone and I've let them stay up a little later. So far so good - at least I know Isabel loves it.

So anyway, I hope you make your way to Pinterest and enjoy it as much as I have.

Grateful Easter

I'll never be able to show what it meant to me.
(image borrowed from a dear friend)

Finally found some motivation to write. I think it is the dreary weather combined with being sick - yuck! I've managed to avoid being sick since last Summer but I knew it would come soon enough. Anyway, I won't bore you with my whining and I'll just share my new love - watercolors. I am madly in love with using watercolors in my journals and on canvas on top of acrylic. I have a painting I started months ago and everytime I would add something else too it, it would just feel like it was wrong. I thought I would get inspired during my little get together with my friends and the only thing I thought to do was to fill the bottom of the painting with a deep red and left the top half a light blue - still hated it until I pulled out my watercolors and now it looks so completely different that you would never think it was the same painting unless I told you. So here is the before and after:





I used watercolor over the entire painting and I love it - so it's a keeper. I've also been using watercolors on my journal pages and I love the way it looks. What I really love is the fact that my pages don't stick together so much anymore. Here's my latest page:

Writer's Block

Tattoos

After much debate and design, I got a new tattoo this weekend. I have to say, this tattoo was EXTREMELY painful so it may be my last.


Here's my first tattoo, replicas of my babies feet:


I've been thinking about how I've been feeling lately and how I've been viewing my life and it just seemed really fitting - Love your Fate. My life hasn't been easy, in fact, I'd say it's been harder than most. I haven't been bitter about it though, I haven't let it destroy me. I've tried to learn from it and become a better person. I'd be lying if I said my life hasn't affected me on some level. I know that my past is the reason I was somewhat withdrawn and had walls up. I'm sure it harmed my marriage on some level as well, but I have tried to not let it overtake me. Therefore - love my fate, for were it not for my past pains and tramas I would not be who I am today. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know the person I would be and I have to say that I don't think I'd like her. I also have a wild streak buried inside me that I know would have lead me down a dangerous road.

Group Therapy

I have been sharing so much lately on my blog - getting personal and letting people see me. I have so many words going through my head right now and I find myself expressing them here, which I'd rather not do. I love my blog just the way it is - keeping my private life private, with just a few small glimpses every now and then. But, as I'm looking back at some of my more recent post, I see it is revealing more of me than I wanted. It's a little unnerving and scary but I'm trying really hard not to let that stop me. I've always had a hard time sharing what was really inside my mind, my heart, my soul. I used to be unable to even write the words down, thinking that someone would possibly see them and know me. Silly, huh? Who am I? I am not an evil person, a killer or a thief - so why do I hide? I claim to not hurt, to be able to handle anything but is that real or am I just ignoring my feelings? Seems a little ridiculous that at 36 years old, I am still wrestling with myself, but I am.
I have been feeling stifled and in need of some release - maybe a little art therapy. This weekend I finally had my little art party with a few close friends. I have to say, I had a wonderful time. I love getting to know Cheryl better - such a sweet soul, and Sandra has an aura about her that makes the room feel calm. My friend Marisa was able to come by too. Her curiosity about things makes you excited about stuff. And, of course, no gathering would be good without my dearest friend Dana (and her wonderful little boy) - my wise old woman. OK, she's only a year older but her soul seems so much more. I ended up talking and not doing much of any art, but I still had a wonderful time. As usual, I forgot to break out the camera, so no pics from the party to share. Guess I'll just have to live with the memories.

I Was Never Alone

I've been very contemplative lately. I feel like I have a clarity inside me right now that I didn't have before. For more than a year,I've been feeling very distant from my spiritual side. I've felt like prayers have gone unheard and like I've been walking this new path alone. I was feeling like I was missing something - that presence in the passenger seat beside me, that voice, or whatever you want to call it, that made me feel not alone was not there anymore and I was very bothered by it. I mean, the year my husband left me was a hard year for me as I saw the writing on the wall well before he left. Once he left, I was so depressed and worried about what I was going to do and how my life was going to be. That security I had was gone and I felt abandoned, not only by my husband but by God.
But suddenly, something clicked, I hear the "ding ding" of finally getting it. I've realized I have friends that truly care, that I am very capable of handling things on my own (no matter how much I prefer not too) and I feel like I'm becoming a better person. I know what the lesson was.
As I had said before, I was a very noncommittal person when it came to friends, in other words, they were disposable and replaceable.
This year has taught me that is not so.
I've had friends that I didn't know were friends be there for me,
call me,
email me
years after our last conversation.
Single motherhood terrified me.
I have more than "just managed" that.
I have learned to balance the complexities that are my life and have won (so far).
I don't think I would have done that depending on God, relying on Him and pinning my hopes and prayers on Him that He would make everything right. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that He wasn't there. He was showing me that He is there in the people that he has put into my life and in all the circumstances that come along and I struggle to understand. He helped me to stand on my own two feet by making me realize that He already gave me the strength to manage through this and now I feel His presence everywhere.  He made me see that He is always all around me in places that I'm not even looking. In my time of need, He helped me become a stronger me. It feels good...great, to know that He has made me into this strong person. I love that I turn to Him whether I'm happy or sad now, not only when I have no one else. Now, when things are going good, when I feel on top of the world, He is there to share in my joy, to tell me, "See Lisa, I knew you could do it all along."

Modern Woman

I felt the need to preface this post with this statement. Maybe I shouldn't because it really would just be contrary to the post below, but I don't want loved ones to worry. I had written the entry below in my journal several years ago and was reminded of it today as I spoke to someone. He was telling me how great it is that I have been able to "manage my life" as a single mother. As well, just last week I had someone tell me how it's so wonderful that I am happily single (as if I shouldn't be) despite having to handle everything by myself and that they really admire me. Statements like that seem wonderful to hear, don't they? That I'm such a great and powerful woman, a modern woman, that can do it all on my own - I need no one. But really, it's not. It is what had kept me from truly getting close to people, making great friends. It made me push away anyone that made me feel loved and wanted. It was my way of making myself the woman that everyone thought I was, keeping myself distant so that I can stay strong if someone was to try to hurt me. Deep down inside all I wanted to do was have someone else make everything better. I wanted to be the helpless woman that gets rescued at the end of the movie by her super hero. Too many times women try to be strong now and don't like to admit when they need help or show their feelings, so maybe this post would apply to most of us women anyway. I'm learning to let all that go. Hope everyone else is too. Enjoy.

Can I let you in on something?
I hate it when people tell me they admire me because I'm an independent woman.
I can't stand being told how wonderful it is that I have been able to hold myself together through everything I've endured in life.
I don't want to hear how you wish you were as strong as me, how you wish you were able to handle as much as me.
...I don't want to be strong
...I don't want to be alone
...I don't want to be the person to admire
I want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be ok,
That things will get better,
That they will be my crutch, there to hold me up and help me out.
I want to be a child.
I don't want to cope,
I want to breakdown,
Fall apart,
Be an emotional wreck
But I can't.
I no longer know how to let go,
How to share my pain,
How to cry.
I've spent too much time being someone else,
The imaginary Wonder Woman
The one that doesn't need a man to rescue her,
That I don't know how to be the child inside.

The Dog Days are Over

Have I told you how wonderful I feel? I have been feeling so blessed this year and felt the urge to share it. Be it the meds (Celexa Rocks!), the freakin beautiful Spring weather, or be it actual positivity around me, it does not matter. I am happy, happy, happy. You know what makes me the happiest? That it is not because I have a new man in my life or a new friend or a new job - it's because life is sweet. I can smell the roses, see the light at the end of the tunnel, feel the vibrations (ala Markie Mark). I am satisfied with my job, I have few friends but the ones I have are fantabulous, and men - well, I'm willing to wait for the right one.
I don't think things are perfect, but that's ok. I am fine with my life just the way it is. Though I will continue to strive for more, I am content with what I have and what I have been given. My biggest desire for myself has been to be able to change my perspective on things and I feel like I have truly succeeded in that. In the past I've noticed all the bad things and haven't ever noticed how many goods things I've had in life. Don't get me wrong, I've had lots of crap in my life - I mean lots and lots - but that crap has made me the person that I am. Had my life been easy, I'm sure I would've been a different person - an ugly person. So, I am celebrating today - the dog days are over.

Nubian Princess

Have you ever met someone who left such a lasting impression on you in the little time you were with them, that 20 years later, you can still remember the way they made you feel? A week after my 18th birthday I met that person. I won't get into the background story, as it is VERY personal and something that I don't think I'd want to share here, but I wanted to tell you a little about her. I first saw her in a room where a few of us were herded. As she spoke to the group, she looked down at the floor and had a lot of anger in the things she said. I thought she was cold and mean when she was done. Maybe an hour or so later, I was sitting and crying and she came in. With only 3 sentences spoken to me, she made me feel better, so much so that I had a smile on my face. So much so, that almost 20 years later, though I cannot remember what she looked like, I can still feel inside me the spark that she put there with her words. She was a princess to me.

Fear

I'm pretty sure I've posted before about fear holding me back from life. Fear prevented me from accomplishing a lot of things in my life. I never finished college because I thought I was making the wrong career choice and because I might fail at my job. I let someone I love deeply go because I was afraid I wouldn't get to experience life the way I wanted to at the time and because I was afraid I'd never be first in his life. I could continue, but I think you get the picture. I've tried to not let fear rule over my life but it's been a slow process. Journaling and blogging have helped quite a bit, though, so I feel like I may be breaking free any day now. I'm setting new goals, small ones to start, and maybe one day I'll no longer be afraid to finish school or take that second chance at a great relationship. You never know.

Bargains Galore

I LOVE BARGAINS. Can I say that again?? I love bargains!! Before going to see my friend PhePhe (otherwise known as Ophelia), I made a stop at my local Asian market and got some goodies for super cheap - some aprons, asian papers and envelopes, and newpapers and pamphlets.

Once I left there, went to Ophelia's demo and went thrifting afterwards and got some awesome small books for $.10-.50 ea and 10 National Geographic mags for $1 (not pictured). I think I spent about $4.

Then picked up a BOX of free goodies from my besty Dana (yes, that girl). I forgot to take a picture of that before I put them all away but it was a box full of pretty papers, ephemera and paints. I'm feeling like a lucky girl today!

Done Fitting In

Funny how your attitude about things change as you get older. I am Hispanic, Puerto Rican to be exact. I've lived in the USA pretty much my entire life. When we came here, we moved to Texas where we were surrounded by Hispanic people from different backgrounds, i.e. not everyone was Mexican. But, once we moved to North Carolina, it was different. The only Hispanics that you saw here were the migrant workers that would come in the summer then leave. We stuck out like a sore thumb and everyone seemed ready to point it out to us. I became ashamed of my heritage. I lived out in the country, in the middle of nothing, where you are either black or white and if you're not "pure" white, then you must be black (as if that is a bad thing). I suddenly didn't know what I was. Where I lived in Texas, color wasn't an issue or really discussed - you were just a person. Where I grew up in NC, one of the first questions someone would ask is, "What are you?", as if your skin not being pale and hair blond made you some how less than human. Now I know better. I know that I am beautiful, with my dark curly hair, brown eyes and lightly tan skin with lovely curves that only Hispanic women can pull off so well. I am glad that I do not look like a typical Southern girl (not that there is anything wrong with that look). Who would want to look the same?? I want to stand out in a crowd and be noticed.

Being Mom

I've been working on spending less time on the computer and more time with my kids. I've managed to set the phone down, not even allowing myself to check an email or play a game, and I haven't been turning on the computer until after the kids are in bed. It has been really nice concentrating on just being mom - no cleaning or fussing about messes, just sitting with my kids, watching a movie or playing. It actually inspired me for my newest journal page. Sometime we parents forget that we are respondsible for how our kids turn out and we get busy with other things. Then when we end up with crazy kids, we wonder what went wrong. Yeah, some of it is just their natural personality, but a lot of it is how we raise them. That thought inspired my "tree" writing in my journal and art. I'm not much for sharing what I write (sorry, just find it a bit uncomfortable still), but I wanted to share the page as I thought it was nice. I took a paper and taped it to the outer edge of the page I was getting ready to paint on so that it was a bigger page. I glued, gessoed, painted, and wrote across the page. I like that I can fold it closed. It feels like a little surprise to open the page and see what is in it.

Doing the Right Thing

I feel like I'm finally getting back on track - the creativity is beginning to flow again, my home and life is becoming more organized and just in general, things are going right. This year has already started with me learning a few lessons:
1. Never make assumptions about who you think a person is or how they are going to react to something.
2. If your boss tells you, over the course of two year, over and over again that if you need help or feel overwhelmed to let her know and she will hire someone else to help - she's being sincere and you should take her at her word. You are not a lousy employee for asking for help
3. People have a kind heart, even the tough ones.
4. You have more friends than you think you do and you're a better mom than you think you are.
5. It's good to be open and not hold things inside, but as I say in my journal, some things are better left unsaid.

I've been wrestling with my heart and mind on #5. I won't even try to skirt around what I mean or speak in innuendos or secret codes - I just won't even get into it. Instead of burning it (as I did for new years), I wrote down everything I wanted to say and was totally and completely honest with what I wrote. Then I sealed it up and put it in my journal for what I'm sure will be a good laugh 20-30 years from now.

I Love Me

Having spent several years trying to "fit in" to the mold that others thought I should fit into, I have decided no longer. No longer will I temper my honesty or opinion just because it may offend someone (when it is not an offensive statement). No longer will I subdue my personality to fit into someone else's view of how a lady should act. I will be me, unapologetic and honestly me.

Birthday Blues

It seems like this year is going to be a tough one for me all the way around when it comes to birthdays, starting with my baby. My beautiful baby boy has turned 3. I know he is still young, but he just seems so different to me now. I look at him and he acts more grown up, he is so respectful (shockingly), even when he talks he talks like a big kids. I feel so sad, like my little boy is leaving me already. Luckily he still loves to give lots of hugs and kisses and have mommy hold him.

Happy Birthday, my crazy, beautiful baby boy.

Following the road...wherever it leads

I've kept my goals simple this year - take at least one day to be creative and go on this new journey with enthusiasm and a positive outlook.

So far, so good:

Burning the old year away

I am starting the new year off right this time. I have written down my worries and problems from 2010 and burned them away. I will be positive, surround myself with great and supportive people. I will not worry about money, my job, my family. I will take every day one day at a time and I will have faith that things will turn out as they should.