Monday, February 21, 2011

Modern Woman

I felt the need to preface this post with this statement. Maybe I shouldn't because it really would just be contrary to the post below, but I don't want loved ones to worry. I had written the entry below in my journal several years ago and was reminded of it today as I spoke to someone. He was telling me how great it is that I have been able to manage my life as a single mother. As well, just last week I had someone tell me how it's so wonderful that I am happily single (as if I shouldn't be) despite having to handle everything by myself and that they really admire me. Statements like that seem wonderful to hear, don't they? That I'm such a great and powerful woman, a modern woman, that can do it all on my own - I need no one. But really, it's not. It is what had kept me from truly getting close to people, making great friends. It made me push away anyone that made me feel loved and wanted. It was my way of making myself the woman that everyone thought I was, keeping myself distant so that I can stay strong if someone was to try to hurt me. Deep down inside all I wanted to do was have someone else make everything better. I wanted to be the helpless woman that gets rescued at the end of the movie by her super hero. Too many times women try to be strong now and don't like to admit when they need help or show their feelings, so maybe this post would apply to most of us women anyway. I've learned to let all that go, thankfully. Hope everyone else can too. Enjoy.

Can I let you in on something?
I hate it when people tell me they admire me because I'm an independent woman.
I can't stand being told how wonderful it is that I have been able to hold myself together through everything I've endured in life.
I don't want to hear how you wish you were as strong as me, how you wish you were able to handle as much as me.
...I don't want to be strong
...I don't want to be alone
...I don't want to be the person to admire
I want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be ok,
That things will get better,
That they will be my crutch, there to hold me up and help me out.
I want to be a child.
I don't want to cope,
I want to breakdown,
Fall apart,
Be an emotional wreck
But I can't.
I no longer know how to let go,
How to share my pain,
How to cry.
I've spent too much time being someone else,
The imaginary Wonder Woman
The one that doesn't need a man to rescue her,
That I don't know how to be the child inside.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love your post. Not the subject ... but that you just make me feel less alone. By the way, I can't remember when I found your blog, though I have followed for a while. I live in Winston Salem ... so I probably found you thru an NC link. Anyway, just wanted to wave, hi!

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