Dwell in the Past

It seems like silly advice, to dwell in the past when your relationship feels like it is falling apart. But, we should dwell in the past, in the perfect past of the relationship. The times when the picking and playfulness were all fun and not nagging and irritating. The times of the hugging, kissing, cuddling and sincere "I love you", instead of far and few between. The times before the kids, before the stress of a mortgage - before the stress of adulthood caught up and ruined everything. Remember the times when it was easy to let things go for the sake of mutual happiness and love. Just remembering the times that it was us and not you and me before it just doesn't matter anymore.

35 for 35

Today is the day. 35 years have gone by and I still wonder who I am. I am very grateful for what I have. I am still healthy and happy and I have a home, a job and a family that I love. So, going back to not knowing who I am, I have created a list of who I want to be and what I want to do with my life. This is my list - 35 for 35.

1. go back to school and get a degree


2. continue expanding my art


3. be more friendly and social


4. make time for myself


5. set goals and strive for them


6. say what i mean and mean what i say


7. find my passion


8. join a social group


9. write more


10. laugh more


11. be adventurous


12. get fit and lose weight


13. take my family to Puerto Rico and introduce them to my culture


14. participate in life


15. listen to my spirit


16. find contentment with what I have


17. garden more


18. watch less TV


19. declutter my space


20. give more to my children of what they really need


21. control my temper


22. complain less


23. remember God


24. spend less


25. save more


26. be rid of debt


27. foster this partnership that is my marriage


28. leave it at the door


29. be less judgemental


30. spend time with my friends


31. give myself permission to be me


32. celebrate the holidays with my family


33. appreciate my mother


34. see my inner beauty


35. well, this one I'll keep for myself...

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want

What happened? I am suddenly becoming old. OK, I know it didn't happen overnight, but I am REALLY noticing it now. I've never had a problem with getting older. Yeah, things were sagging more and I can't suck in my gut the way I used to, but I have yet to get a gray hair and I don't have any wrinkles, at least that's what I tell myself. This year is different, though. This year I will be 35 years old - in fact, at the end of this month. That is the age that all the medical journals tell you your body is on its way down. Pregnancy becomes difficult and if you manage to get pregnant, complications abound. I have no intention of having anymore kids, but this thought bothers me, as if I am not longer a woman capable of bearing a healthy child. And, yes, I know that this doesn't happen overnight and not everyone at this age has complications, but the medical community stuck an age on it and it so happens to be 35. I now look in the mirror and see an adult. I see how stress and the reality of life has changed my face from the sweet, naive look of my teen years, to this mature, bitter woman of the world. I wouldn't say that I'm angry about it, but I'm definitely not happy about it. So, instead of partying all night (or moping) on the 28th, I'll count my blessings. I will be thankful for my and my families good health, I'll be grateful that I have a job and am not struggling in this economy and I'll remember that I have friends that love me -wrinkles and all!!

I Try for Him

I find myself more and more comfortable calling myself a Christian. Thinking about it, I think this is the first time I have truly professed it to others, save for a select few other Christian friends. Many years ago, I left the church, bitter and angry with God and Christianity. Sparing all the details, I had a lot of bad experiences caused by people who were "devote and holy people". People that were really nothing but hypocrites. Suddenly being on the outside looking in just made me feel more bitter towards Christianity. Just seemed like there were a lot of people preaching one thing and doing another, spewing hate instead of love, damnation instead of forgiveness. After a few years of searching for something else and dabbling in other things, I had a re-awakening as I like to call it. In all those years, I still found myself turning to God, talking to him, even though I was denying his existence. I debated and reasoned with him every chance I got, asking for explanations as to why things were the way they were, how He could allow things to be this way. In that time, I became friends with someone who was so different from other people I knew. She did not walk around preaching or judging, she just was who she was. She was a reflection of what I thought Christianity was about and was supposed to be and she became my inspiration without knowing it. Unfortunately, I changed jobs and didn't get to see her after except for one visit, which is when I let her know what she had done for me. But, in her friendship I realized what it was that I was looking for in Christianity, I realized my anger was with Christians and not with Christ, and that I wanted to be a Christian. Not a Christian that gets dressed every Sunday morning in her nice clothes and sits in a pew listening to a preacher and singing hymns, regurgitating memorized passages to other believers (not that there is anything wrong with that). I wanted to be a follower of His word, I wanted to be the person Christ asked me to be. I do not pretend to be perfect nor do I act like what some people believe a Christian should act like, but I try my best to be a reflection of Christianity in my actions. I try not to judge, I try to forgive, and I try to just be a good person. This is the Christian I am and I'm OK with that. And, Stephanie, I hope you are still doing well...

Love and Hate

I have a love/hate relationship with this whole motherhood thing. There are many things I miss about being child-free. Then I think about the silly little things that my children do and it puts a big smile on my face. So here are a few of my loves and misses (since I don't really like the word hate).

LOVE:

• Hugs and kisses
• Being looked at like I am the most beautiful, important person in the world
• First comment from daughter after having her baby brother, "Wow Mommy, you're really skinny."
• Reliving the excitement of life through my children
• The silly things my kids do and say that only I can manage to find adorable

NOT LOVING/MISS:

• Alone time/my space
• Peace and quiet
• Reverting to immaturity when "debating" with my daughter
• The neverending questions
• Doing and saying all those things I swore I wouldn't do or say when I became a mother
• The second thing my daughter said to me after having her baby brother, " but your legs are still big". I won't even defend my swollen legs as I know other moms know what that is all about.

I have to say, I think the "loves" definitely outweigh everything else. Your turn. Link back or let me know if you post!

**Just to reitterate - I LOVE my children and wouldn't trade them for the world.

Paging Dr.McDreamy

I am in love with my doctor! Ok, maybe not "in love", just far more satisfied with his treatment than I thought I would ever feel again with a doctor. For years I had driven 45 minutes or more to see my doctor because I thought she was a great doctor. It took me so long to find someone that I really liked, that I didn't want to give her up. After a while, the long drive and the difficulty in getting an appointment (she was a solo practice) was just more than I could take, so my quest began. I had been more than 2 years since I'd visited a doctor and the one that I had seen since then was your typical family practice doctor - leaves you waiting for 15 minutes or more in a room, comes in, hardly looks up at you while talking to you, diagnosis you and leaves all within 2 minutes. Exactly what I was scared would happen. So, recently I had decided that I needed to start my search in earnest again. I'm getting older and really needing to take care of myself more, so I asked around. I settled on visiting a (gasp!!) large practice, Wake Internal Medicine and chose to visit Dr.Gillespie since he had a cardiology background and heart disease runs in my family. First visit goes great. He ask lots of questions, seems to genuinely be listening, lets me do some talking, and schedules test for some issues that I was worried about. Not once did I feel rushed or like I was wasting his time. Within 2 weeks, I've had more of my concerns cleared up than in the previous 14 years.
Now, none of this is what you would consider extra-ordinary. This is all stuff that doctors should do. What really has put this doctor over the top is the extra little things he does that I appreciate. If my appointment is at 1pm and I don't see him until 1:10 because he's behind, the first thing he does is apologizes profusely. Most (if not every) doctor that I've ever gone to feel that my time is not valuable and I've had to wait more than 30 minutes past my scheduled appointment to see a doctor, without an apology or any consideration for my wasted time. Also, I left a message for the doctors nurse to call because I had concerns about the price of a prescription the doctor gave me ($170 - with insurance). I called on a Friday morning and never got a call back. So, what happens?? Saturday while I'm out with my mother, he leaves a message on my home phone ( I can hear his kids and family in the background) apologizing for not retuning my call and for prescribing such an expensive medicine and leaves his cell number for me to call him when I get home. Is that not the most insane thing you've ever heard? Then today, I come in to work after having been sick for an entire week and he calls me at the office. I had gone to see him twice last week and the last time I went to see him, I had pretty much begged for pain killers because I had strep throat and it was really, really hurting. I ended up leaving with a prescription to Prednisone and no pain killers. So, he calls to see how I'm feeling and to apologize for not giving me any pain killers. He went into a bit of a story as to why he failed to give me anything for the pain - but it didn't really matter to me. How could I even be upset with my doctor??!
So, I have found my Dr.McDreamy. No - not like in a lusting for Dr. Ross from ER or anything like that (not that my doctor is hard on the eyes), but in a "I have my dream doctor" way, someone who actually acts like a doctor should act - respectful of their patients and attentive to their needs, while giving firm, honest answers and advice.

Appreciating the Ones you love

I was reading an article the other day about why men leave their wives. The main reason that was stated was because they don't feel appreciated. This got me thinking - when was the last time I really and truly made my husband aware of how loved and appreciated he was? He treats this marriage as a partnership. He helps with the cleaning, laundry, the kids - everything, without me having to ask. Since going back to work, it seems that we leave for work in the mornings, come back home around 6pm, fix dinner, put the kids to be, watch some TV, then go to bed ourselves. That's it - very little communication. We are so stressed with thinking about work, bills, the kids, that we have stopped even noticing each other. So, now I'm totally sad, knowing that I have totally withdrawn into a world of monotony, with no time for the person that is going to be there for me as I get old and feeble ( hopefully just old not feeble). If I could say that he was abusive or uncaring or lazy, maybe I could justify it, but it seems that I'm the one that has gotten lazy in our marriage. We've been together for so long and we've put the kids way ahead of each other for too long. So, I am making him number one and letting him know how much he means to me and how much I appreciate all that he does for me because it is important to him and me. And, mostly, because I love him.

3 More things to be thankful for

1. New job - actually seems to be working out quite nicely. No long hours and the people I work with are super nice.
2. Reuniting with old friends - didn't realize how much I missed some of my old school friends, until I heard from them.
3. Both kids loving daycare - didn't think that would happen.

Life is good!

5 Things to be thankful for

I feel like I've been a little negative lately, so I figured I'd make a list of things to be greatful/thankful for:
1. 2 happy, healthy children and a wonderful husband that I love and adore.
2. A mother that I enjoy spending time with.
3. A home we can afford and are in no danger of losing.
4. Friends that I can honestly call true friends.
5. Access to free therapy, i.e. the internet.

Is there anything else more important??