Autumn Changes

I so love the Fall season. It's full of so many changes. It is the one time of the year when I think you truly see natures beauty. Alas, my Fall is full of changes this year too. Just in case you haven't figured it out from cryptic post, I am now a single mother, not by choice. My husband has made his choice to move on without me and I have to follow. I have so many regrets now (waiting to go to school until he finished, putting my career on hold for the kids) and now it will be more difficult for me to fulfill my dreams. But, I will not stop these changes for preventing me from doing the things I wanted to do, from achieving my dreams, and from finding the happiness that true love can bring. I didn't let him leave without telling him that I still loved him and wanted him to stay, I didn't want to regret not letting him know, but it wasn't enough. There is no one to blame but ourselves as we really allowed ourselves to drift so far apart that we were no longer on the same page. Hopefully, things will continue to be amicable, although I'm sure I haven't made things easy. I am amazed at how much anger I have inside right now mixed at the same time with a sense of relief. I guess I feel relief because I felt it coming for a long time. My focus is now directed at my two babies, 5 years old and 21 months old. I think I'm the saddest of all for them. My youngest will never really know his father the way the oldest does and my oldest knows how her father is and is missing him terribly, not that he is an absent father just that she is used to having him around all the time. Anyway, this will be the last time that I mention this as I cannot move forward when I am looking back.

Letting Go

My daughter just finished her first real week of kindergarten. I have to say I'm a pretty sad mommy right now. She seems so different now, so grown up. I remember seeing her right after her brother was born and thinking that she didn't look like the same girl as she was just hours earlier. She looked so much older than the little girl that she was and that is how I feel now. I look at her and can't see my sweet toddler/preschooler. Now she's a big girl and the way she speaks and carries herself is so different than it was just a few days before. I cannot talk to her like she is a baby anymore or try to explain things that I don't think she is capable of understand because it is already "I know Mommy, you don't have to tell me."
I did what I hoped that I wouldn't do - I cried, not just on the first day, but throughout the week when I would think about her being in school. I went to drop her off at her first day, fully expecting to walk her to her classroom and grateful, at the time, that she wanted to be a big girl and walk in by herself. As I watched her walking into the building, looking like a walking backpack because it was so large, I began to cry. While I was sitting at my desk working, I started thinking about her, wondering if she found her way to the right classroom, wondering if she got lost and was left standing in the hallway crying. So, I packed up my purse, got in the car and headed off to the school, trying to think of an excuse to be there. By the time I got there and went into the school office, I realized how obvious it was going to be as to why I was really there and managed to calm myself down enough to not request to see her. I tell my husband this story and he turns to my with a grin on his face and says, "you just need to let go." He's right, just a little.

Love and Hate

I have a love/hate relationship with this whole motherhood thing. There are many things I miss about being child-free. Then I think about the silly little things that my children do and it puts a big smile on my face. So here are a few of my loves and misses (since I don't really like the word hate).

LOVE:

• Hugs and kisses
• Being looked at like I am the most beautiful, important person in the world
• First comment from daughter after having her baby brother, "Wow Mommy, you're really skinny."
• Reliving the excitement of life through my children
• The silly things my kids do and say that only I can manage to find adorable

NOT LOVING/MISS:

• Alone time/my space
• Peace and quiet
• Reverting to immaturity when "debating" with my daughter
• The neverending questions
• Doing and saying all those things I swore I wouldn't do or say when I became a mother
• The second thing my daughter said to me after having her baby brother, " but your legs are still big". I won't even defend my swollen legs as I know other moms know what that is all about.

I have to say, I think the "loves" definitely outweigh everything else. Your turn. Link back or let me know if you post!

**Just to reitterate - I LOVE my children and wouldn't trade them for the world.

NC Museum of Art

If I needed any proof that I need to get any exercise, today I was struck across the head with a bat. The NC Museum of Art has trails of art outdoors that wind throughout the 164 acre property. They've got great sculptures and interactive displays, like the Whisper Bench, that are very interesting. Unfortunately for me, all of the trails head downhill. Which is great coming, but stinks for going. I have no idea how long the trails are through the Museum Park, but it was way too long for me. It was pretty warm today and sunny, so we didn't go through all of it (not that I'm complaining). Not too happy that I missed the Cloud Chamber for the Trees and the Sky. Maybe next time. I do have to say though, that after resting for a few hours now, I do feel refreshingly good.


Isabel contemplating the sculptures


Collapse I by Ledelle Moe


To see Jennie smile by Steven Siegel


Made of stacks of newspaper, about 23 feet tall

Curse of the Curly Hair

I've had many people tell me how jealous they are that they don't have curly hair, that they would love to have my hair. Well, having dealt with this curly hair for 30+ years, I know the effort it takes to make it look good and how after all that effort, all it takes is a slight humidity in the air to totally ruin all that hard work. The only physical trait of mine that my son managed to inherit is my curly hair, and boy do the women love it. Everyone always comments on how cute it is and how he's going to have to fight the girls off him. I know better and I have proof.

Confessions of a Slacker Mom

I am so ashamed, or at least I should be. Since working, I rarely cook and I have to say, I think my children are the worse for it. At first, we would go out to eat, then it changed to picking up McD or pizza. I've wanted to stop that habit, so I've been refusing to pick anything up, but I haven't gone to the grocery store to get dinner stuff. So, what did my kids have for dinner tonight? Cheese sandwich and carrots. Not the best, but at least I can say it was half way healthy with the addition of the carrots. Many times, I just let them snack on whatever, which usually consist of pop tarts and goldfish crackers. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out a way to get healthy, really food on the table without stressing myself out trying to get dinner done. By the time I get home with the kids, it's 5:45 and the kids are starving. My youngest goes to be around 6:00-6:15 and the oldest goes down at 7pm, so how the heck am I supposed to get anything that resembles a real meal completed in time for them to eat? I mean, I'm lucky if the kids get a bath since I prefer give them time with mommy and daddy. They say it takes to weeks to form a habit so, for the next 2 weeks, I'll cook a healthy meal every night. It has to be cheap, easy and something different for every night. Is this too lofty of a goal to set for myself? I sure hope not.

All my baby would eat. Can't blame him...

Fluttering wings of the Tooth Fairy

Before I've even had a chance to post that my daughter lost her first tooth, she goes and loses another. Let me correct that, she grabbed her tooth, wiggled and yanked until it came out. That was my daughter, little Miss Priss that won't let you pull off a bandage because she's afraid it'll hurt. Looking at her tooth made me realize one thing - maybe we're not doing too good a job at brushing those teeth.

Snow day

How wonderful to get to stay home and watch the inauguration and have a snow day - yeah!!!

This is the first time Isabel has really seen snow and had a chance to play in it and boy did she play. She completely wore herself out playing in knee deep snow.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Happy birthday Noah. Hope your first year has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for us.

No more golden curls, so sad

So, today was my babies first real haircut, and boy is it short. Both my kids look just like their dad and I was so happy to see my baby with curls, something that is definitely a mommy trait. Alas, the curls got to looking like a bouffant, so they had to go. Here are some before, during and after pics.

Before: my baby and his messy curls

During: I think he's as annoyed as Mommy

After: Still cute and very happy

Halloween

My little fairy queen had way too much fun and got way too much candy on Halloween.