I so love the Fall season. It's full of so many changes. It is the one time of the year when I think you truly see natures beauty. Alas, my Fall is full of changes this year too. Just in case you haven't figured it out from cryptic post, I am now a single mother, not by choice. My husband has made his choice to move on without me and I have to follow. I have so many regrets now (waiting to go to school until he finished, putting my career on hold for the kids) and now it will be more difficult for me to fulfill my dreams. But, I will not stop these changes for preventing me from doing the things I wanted to do, from achieving my dreams, and from finding the happiness that true love can bring. I didn't let him leave without telling him that I still loved him and wanted him to stay, I didn't want to regret not letting him know, but it wasn't enough. There is no one to blame but ourselves as we really allowed ourselves to drift so far apart that we were no longer on the same page. Hopefully, things will continue to be amicable, although I'm sure I haven't made things easy. I am amazed at how much anger I have inside right now mixed at the same time with a sense of relief. I guess I feel relief because I felt it coming for a long time. My focus is now directed at my two babies, 5 years old and 21 months old. I think I'm the saddest of all for them. My youngest will never really know his father the way the oldest does and my oldest knows how her father is and is missing him terribly, not that he is an absent father just that she is used to having him around all the time. Anyway, this will be the last time that I mention this as I cannot move forward when I am looking back.
I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me.
Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.