Autumn Changes

I so love the Fall season. It's full of so many changes. It is the one time of the year when I think you truly see natures beauty. Alas, my Fall is full of changes this year too. Just in case you haven't figured it out from cryptic post, I am now a single mother, not by choice. My husband has made his choice to move on without me and I have to follow. I have so many regrets now (waiting to go to school until he finished, putting my career on hold for the kids) and now it will be more difficult for me to fulfill my dreams. But, I will not stop these changes for preventing me from doing the things I wanted to do, from achieving my dreams, and from finding the happiness that true love can bring. I didn't let him leave without telling him that I still loved him and wanted him to stay, I didn't want to regret not letting him know, but it wasn't enough. There is no one to blame but ourselves as we really allowed ourselves to drift so far apart that we were no longer on the same page. Hopefully, things will continue to be amicable, although I'm sure I haven't made things easy. I am amazed at how much anger I have inside right now mixed at the same time with a sense of relief. I guess I feel relief because I felt it coming for a long time. My focus is now directed at my two babies, 5 years old and 21 months old. I think I'm the saddest of all for them. My youngest will never really know his father the way the oldest does and my oldest knows how her father is and is missing him terribly, not that he is an absent father just that she is used to having him around all the time. Anyway, this will be the last time that I mention this as I cannot move forward when I am looking back.

No Art

Well, I haven't been at my best the last couple of weeks, mentally or physically, so I haven't been posting any art. I do have several new creations that I plan on posting soon, it's just a matter of getting that stupid new camera of mine to take a good picture. I consider myself a pretty tech savvy person, but this new camera has me stumped. It does too much automatically and it does it wrong. I just can't figure out a way to change the settings. Anyway, I'll be posting pics soon, just keep checking.

Dwell in the Past

It seems like silly advice, to dwell in the past when your relationship feels like it is falling apart. But, we should dwell in the past, in the perfect past of the relationship. The times when the picking and playfulness were all fun and not nagging and irritating. The times of the hugging, kissing, cuddling and sincere "I love you", instead of far and few between. The times before the kids, before the stress of a mortgage - before the stress of adulthood caught up and ruined everything. Remember the times when it was easy to let things go for the sake of mutual happiness and love. Just remembering the times that it was us and not you and me before it just doesn't matter anymore.

Letting Go

My daughter just finished her first real week of kindergarten. I have to say I'm a pretty sad mommy right now. She seems so different now, so grown up. I remember seeing her right after her brother was born and thinking that she didn't look like the same girl as she was just hours earlier. She looked so much older than the little girl that she was and that is how I feel now. I look at her and can't see my sweet toddler/preschooler. Now she's a big girl and the way she speaks and carries herself is so different than it was just a few days before. I cannot talk to her like she is a baby anymore or try to explain things that I don't think she is capable of understand because it is already "I know Mommy, you don't have to tell me."
I did what I hoped that I wouldn't do - I cried, not just on the first day, but throughout the week when I would think about her being in school. I went to drop her off at her first day, fully expecting to walk her to her classroom and grateful, at the time, that she wanted to be a big girl and walk in by herself. As I watched her walking into the building, looking like a walking backpack because it was so large, I began to cry. While I was sitting at my desk working, I started thinking about her, wondering if she found her way to the right classroom, wondering if she got lost and was left standing in the hallway crying. So, I packed up my purse, got in the car and headed off to the school, trying to think of an excuse to be there. By the time I got there and went into the school office, I realized how obvious it was going to be as to why I was really there and managed to calm myself down enough to not request to see her. I tell my husband this story and he turns to my with a grin on his face and says, "you just need to let go." He's right, just a little.

NC Museum of Art

If I needed any proof that I need to get any exercise, today I was struck across the head with a bat. The NC Museum of Art has trails of art outdoors that wind throughout the 164 acre property. They've got great sculptures and interactive displays, like the Whisper Bench, that are very interesting. Unfortunately for me, all of the trails head downhill. Which is great coming, but stinks for going. I have no idea how long the trails are through the Museum Park, but it was way too long for me. It was pretty warm today and sunny, so we didn't go through all of it (not that I'm complaining). Not too happy that I missed the Cloud Chamber for the Trees and the Sky. Maybe next time. I do have to say though, that after resting for a few hours now, I do feel refreshingly good.


Isabel contemplating the sculptures


Collapse I by Ledelle Moe


To see Jennie smile by Steven Siegel


Made of stacks of newspaper, about 23 feet tall

Curse of the Curly Hair

I've had many people tell me how jealous they are that they don't have curly hair, that they would love to have my hair. Well, having dealt with this curly hair for 30+ years, I know the effort it takes to make it look good and how after all that effort, all it takes is a slight humidity in the air to totally ruin all that hard work. The only physical trait of mine that my son managed to inherit is my curly hair, and boy do the women love it. Everyone always comments on how cute it is and how he's going to have to fight the girls off him. I know better and I have proof.

Confessions of a Slacker Mom

I am so ashamed, or at least I should be. Since working, I rarely cook and I have to say, I think my children are the worse for it. At first, we would go out to eat, then it changed to picking up McD or pizza. I've wanted to stop that habit, so I've been refusing to pick anything up, but I haven't gone to the grocery store to get dinner stuff. So, what did my kids have for dinner tonight? Cheese sandwich and carrots. Not the best, but at least I can say it was half way healthy with the addition of the carrots. Many times, I just let them snack on whatever, which usually consist of pop tarts and goldfish crackers. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out a way to get healthy, really food on the table without stressing myself out trying to get dinner done. By the time I get home with the kids, it's 5:45 and the kids are starving. My youngest goes to be around 6:00-6:15 and the oldest goes down at 7pm, so how the heck am I supposed to get anything that resembles a real meal completed in time for them to eat? I mean, I'm lucky if the kids get a bath since I prefer give them time with mommy and daddy. They say it takes to weeks to form a habit so, for the next 2 weeks, I'll cook a healthy meal every night. It has to be cheap, easy and something different for every night. Is this too lofty of a goal to set for myself? I sure hope not.

All my baby would eat. Can't blame him...

Guilty Pleasures

I've been slack lately. Just haven't been very inspired to write or anything. Well, that may not be true. I think I have too much going through my mind right now and can't seem to concentrate it down in a coherent way. Sometimes that makes it even more difficult for me. So, I'm determined to post at least once a week this month. While sitting here trying to think of anything worth doing tonight, I started to wonder, "what is it that I do for my enjoyment?" Most of my time is spent taking care of my kids and husband and when I'm not doing that, I'm working. So, these are the few things I do for myself, as trivial as they may be, my 5 guilty pleasures.
1. Chocolate Frosties - I love going out after the kids have been put to bed and getting a chocolate frosty from Wendy's. I'm not a big chocolate fan and definitely not a big ice cream fan, but there is something about getting one of these late at night, for myself, by myself that I really enjoy. Maybe it's the sneakiness of it, since I always finish it before I come home.
2. Driving in the car - This is the one thing that I think I enjoy more than any. Being in the car, by myself, with whatever music I want to listen to playing. No screaming kids, no husband asking where we are going, just a nice relaxing drive to no where. I'll drive to areas that I've never been to before, down back roads that I am unfamiliar with, hoping to find a new cool shop to explore or a nice neighborhood with beautiful architecture.
3. Facebook - Ok, I've been a little slack on the blogging, but I am definitely addicted to Facebook. I love seeing my old friends, how they've aged (or haven't), their kids or just to see that they are having a great life and are happy.
4. Blog watching - I may not update my blog often, but I love visiting other blogs. My favorite are the craft/art ones and photography ones, maybe because those are two things I enjoy doing. Normally, I'll go to one blog and the next thing you know I'll have 10 tabs open on my window from other links off the original blog.
5. Watching girlie movies - When I say girlie, I mean like "The Joy Luck Club" and "Gone With The Wind", two of my favorite movies. What's nice is that, of course, the hubby doesn't enjoy them, so I can normally watch those peacefully by myself.

Is this bad? I see a theme here of enjoying doing things by myself. Well, it's not that I don't love my family, I think I just miss a little of that quiet time that I used to have before life happened. I guess that's why they call it guilty pleasures.

Holiday Weekend

Thank God for long holiday weekends. The last couple of weeks have been a little more stressful than usually between work and home. Work is picking up, so I've really had to be on my A game and make sure to follow up. Some days are more stressful than others and you can feel tension around the office at times, but it seems that everyone does their best to handle the stress. I knew when I took the job that coming into Summer, things would get busy, so it's not unexpected. It's a good thing - job security. On top of work picking up, the hubby has been out of town quite a bit, so I've had to manage the kids by myself. I have a new found respect for single mothers that can mange to do it without jumping off a bridge. I've just tried to keep the kids as busy as possible so that when we got home, they could go straight to bed.
Tonight we're going to go see the fireworks. In my town, they do Fourth of July celebrations on the Third so that the North Carolina Symphony can perform. Fun and festivities start at 5 and end at 9:30 with the fireworks. The weather has been pretty nice today, not too hot and low humidity, so at least we won't be sweating like pigs. I'm thinking the kids are incredibly bored, so we're getting out of here.

UPDATE: Never again will we actually park on the park grounds itself. It took us 1 hour and 45 minutes to go 1 mile. Still, it was a nice night.

Fluttering wings of the Tooth Fairy

Before I've even had a chance to post that my daughter lost her first tooth, she goes and loses another. Let me correct that, she grabbed her tooth, wiggled and yanked until it came out. That was my daughter, little Miss Priss that won't let you pull off a bandage because she's afraid it'll hurt. Looking at her tooth made me realize one thing - maybe we're not doing too good a job at brushing those teeth.

Remembering How to Love

I saw a sign on a church yesterday. Normally the signs you tend to see in my neck of the woods tend to be geared toward hell and damnation, but this one was different and got me thinking. It said "Love like this is your only chance". This got me thinking about my relationship. I've been married almost 8 years (as of April 7th) and I know that things aren't the same as they used to be. We've got 2 kids and we're both working. We pick up the kids from daycare and get home, fix dinner, sit and eat, get the kids in bed - next you know, it's 8pm and we haven't even sat down and relaxed and have barely spoken to each other. How sad? We plan on spending the rest of our lives together, yet we hardly manage to make time for each other. So, my new goal is to make time for my husband, give us the attention we deserve and to make sure that my husband really knows how much I love him and appreciate him.

Snow day

How wonderful to get to stay home and watch the inauguration and have a snow day - yeah!!!

This is the first time Isabel has really seen snow and had a chance to play in it and boy did she play. She completely wore herself out playing in knee deep snow.

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Happy birthday Noah. Hope your first year has been as enjoyable for you as it has been for us.

No more golden curls, so sad

So, today was my babies first real haircut, and boy is it short. Both my kids look just like their dad and I was so happy to see my baby with curls, something that is definitely a mommy trait. Alas, the curls got to looking like a bouffant, so they had to go. Here are some before, during and after pics.

Before: my baby and his messy curls

During: I think he's as annoyed as Mommy

After: Still cute and very happy

Gatlinburg in Fall

We just got back from a trip to Gatlinburg. We got to stay way above the city with a wonderful view to below. Well worth the 6 hours it took us to get there.


This was taken from our place looking down at Gatlinburg in the valley.




In the Great Smokey Mountain National Park.





Fall view of the mountains.

Appreciating the Ones you love

I was reading an article the other day about why men leave their wives. The main reason that was stated was because they don't feel appreciated. This got me thinking - when was the last time I really and truly made my husband aware of how loved and appreciated he was? He treats this marriage as a partnership. He helps with the cleaning, laundry, the kids - everything, without me having to ask. Since going back to work, it seems that we leave for work in the mornings, come back home around 6pm, fix dinner, put the kids to be, watch some TV, then go to bed ourselves. That's it - very little communication. We are so stressed with thinking about work, bills, the kids, that we have stopped even noticing each other. So, now I'm totally sad, knowing that I have totally withdrawn into a world of monotony, with no time for the person that is going to be there for me as I get old and feeble ( hopefully just old not feeble). If I could say that he was abusive or uncaring or lazy, maybe I could justify it, but it seems that I'm the one that has gotten lazy in our marriage. We've been together for so long and we've put the kids way ahead of each other for too long. So, I am making him number one and letting him know how much he means to me and how much I appreciate all that he does for me because it is important to him and me. And, mostly, because I love him.

Lazy days of Summer

I've been a little lazy about posting lately, just been busy being Mommy, so I though I'd update. Yesterday was my birthday and I got an extra surprise - I got a job!! Not too sure how excited I really am about returning to the workforce, but I'm sure it'll be a good thing. Although, I now know why some people would prefer to stay home and raise the kids, instead of work. Almost half of my paycheck will go to childcare and gas. It almost feels like working for minimum wage. Not that I'm complaining, I'm grateful to have gotten the job, but for some people, it makes returning to work and having someone else raise your kids an easy choice to make or not make. My daughter is thrilled about returning to daycare, which makes the process less guilt inducing. She is always happy when she has the opportunity to play with other kids. Now, if I can just manage to be disciplined enough to put every paycheck toward a bill.

5 Things to be thankful for

I feel like I've been a little negative lately, so I figured I'd make a list of things to be greatful/thankful for:
1. 2 happy, healthy children and a wonderful husband that I love and adore.
2. A mother that I enjoy spending time with.
3. A home we can afford and are in no danger of losing.
4. Friends that I can honestly call true friends.
5. Access to free therapy, i.e. the internet.

Is there anything else more important??

Should I or shouldn't I???

I'm contemplating going back to work. Last time I went back to work, I put work before my family, worked way more hours than I was supposed to, and was very miserable - busy all day long cleaning up everyone else's mess. But, I'm tired of having to balance the checkbook and clipping coupons, not going on vacation, and having debt that I can't pay off. Here's my list of pros/cons:
Pros
1. I'll have money: Don't get me wrong, Jay makes good money, but I miss the days of being able to buy whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. I never balanced the checkbook and we always had money in savings for vacations or whatever. Besides, Isabel starts school next year and I really want to be moved into a different school district before she starts.
2. Isabel will be in daycare/preschool: This is a pro because she loves being around other kids and I just can't find a playgroup/mommy group that I like.
3. I can payoff my medical bills/credit cards: This would be great. If we didn't have the medical bills or credit card (just one thank God), we would actually be pretty well off.
4. It'll build my resume: OK, stupid pro, I know, but hear me out. Last time I went back to work, the question I always got was why was I out of work for so long. I hated having to explain that one.Also, if something should happen to my dear Hubby, I would be able to pick up the slack or take care of my family.

Cons
1. Noah will be in daycare: I hate putting my 6 month old baby in daycare when he is unable to tell me if anything is going on that I should know about. Plus, I'll miss out on some of his milestones.
2. Stress at work: I hated having a boss when I went back to work. I've enjoyed relaxing at home with my kids and not having anyone to tell me what to do.
3. Stress at home: Hubby was not happy when I went to work last time, although he didn't mind the extra money. I was always going in earlier and working later than I was supposed to, and being salaried, didn't get paid extra (hmm, sounds familiar...).
4. Pay sucks: It is so hard to find a job right now that pays enough to cover the added cost of 2 in daycare, extra fuel cost, extra clothing cost. They want a 4 year degree with 5 or more years experience, want you to be bookkeeper, office manager, HR and don't want to pay more than $30 a year.

So, should I just stop being materialistic and be happy being a mom or should I try to contribute to the family to reduce the stress off my husband?? Just don't know...