Nubian Princess

Have you ever met someone who left such a lasting impression on you in the little time you were with them, that 20 years later, you can still remember the way they made you feel? A week after my 18th birthday I met that person. I won't get into the background story, as it is VERY personal and something that I don't think I'd want to share here, but I wanted to tell you a little about her. I first saw her in a room where a few of us were herded. As she spoke to the group, she looked down at the floor and had a lot of anger in the things she said. I thought she was cold and mean when she was done. Maybe an hour or so later, I was sitting and crying and she came in. With only 3 sentences spoken to me, she made me feel better, so much so that I had a smile on my face. So much so, that almost 20 years later, though I cannot remember what she looked like, I can still feel inside me the spark that she put there with her words. She was a princess to me.

Fear

I'm pretty sure I've posted before about fear holding me back from life. Fear prevented me from accomplishing a lot of things in my life. I never finished college because I thought I was making the wrong career choice and because I might fail at my job. I let someone I love deeply go because I was afraid I wouldn't get to experience life the way I wanted to at the time and because I was afraid I'd never be first in his life. I could continue, but I think you get the picture. I've tried to not let fear rule over my life but it's been a slow process. Journaling and blogging have helped quite a bit, though, so I feel like I may be breaking free any day now. I'm setting new goals, small ones to start, and maybe one day I'll no longer be afraid to finish school or take that second chance at a great relationship. You never know.

Bargains Galore

I LOVE BARGAINS. Can I say that again?? I love bargains!! Before going to see my friend PhePhe (otherwise known as Ophelia), I made a stop at my local Asian market and got some goodies for super cheap - some aprons, asian papers and envelopes, and newpapers and pamphlets.

Once I left there, went to Ophelia's demo and went thrifting afterwards and got some awesome small books for $.10-.50 ea and 10 National Geographic mags for $1 (not pictured). I think I spent about $4.

Then picked up a BOX of free goodies from my besty Dana (yes, that girl). I forgot to take a picture of that before I put them all away but it was a box full of pretty papers, ephemera and paints. I'm feeling like a lucky girl today!

Done Fitting In

Funny how your attitude about things change as you get older. I am Hispanic, Puerto Rican to be exact. I've lived in the USA pretty much my entire life. When we came here, we moved to Texas where we were surrounded by Hispanic people from different backgrounds, i.e. not everyone was Mexican. But, once we moved to North Carolina, it was different. The only Hispanics that you saw here were the migrant workers that would come in the summer then leave. We stuck out like a sore thumb and everyone seemed ready to point it out to us. I became ashamed of my heritage. I lived out in the country, in the middle of nothing, where you are either black or white and if you're not "pure" white, then you must be black (as if that is a bad thing). I suddenly didn't know what I was. Where I lived in Texas, color wasn't an issue or really discussed - you were just a person. Where I grew up in NC, one of the first questions someone would ask is, "What are you?", as if your skin not being pale and hair blond made you some how less than human. Now I know better. I know that I am beautiful, with my dark curly hair, brown eyes and lightly tan skin with lovely curves that only Hispanic women can pull off so well. I am glad that I do not look like a typical Southern girl (not that there is anything wrong with that look). Who would want to look the same?? I want to stand out in a crowd and be noticed.

Being Mom

I've been working on spending less time on the computer and more time with my kids. I've managed to set the phone down, not even allowing myself to check an email or play a game, and I haven't been turning on the computer until after the kids are in bed. It has been really nice concentrating on just being mom - no cleaning or fussing about messes, just sitting with my kids, watching a movie or playing. It actually inspired me for my newest journal page. Sometime we parents forget that we are respondsible for how our kids turn out and we get busy with other things. Then when we end up with crazy kids, we wonder what went wrong. Yeah, some of it is just their natural personality, but a lot of it is how we raise them. That thought inspired my "tree" writing in my journal and art. I'm not much for sharing what I write (sorry, just find it a bit uncomfortable still), but I wanted to share the page as I thought it was nice. I took a paper and taped it to the outer edge of the page I was getting ready to paint on so that it was a bigger page. I glued, gessoed, painted, and wrote across the page. I like that I can fold it closed. It feels like a little surprise to open the page and see what is in it.

Doing the Right Thing

I feel like I'm finally getting back on track - the creativity is beginning to flow again, my home and life is becoming more organized and just in general, things are going right. This year has already started with me learning a few lessons:
1. Never make assumptions about who you think a person is or how they are going to react to something.
2. If your boss tells you, over the course of two year, over and over again that if you need help or feel overwhelmed to let her know and she will hire someone else to help - she's being sincere and you should take her at her word. You are not a lousy employee for asking for help
3. People have a kind heart, even the tough ones.
4. You have more friends than you think you do and you're a better mom than you think you are.
5. It's good to be open and not hold things inside, but as I say in my journal, some things are better left unsaid.

I've been wrestling with my heart and mind on #5. I won't even try to skirt around what I mean or speak in innuendos or secret codes - I just won't even get into it. Instead of burning it (as I did for new years), I wrote down everything I wanted to say and was totally and completely honest with what I wrote. Then I sealed it up and put it in my journal for what I'm sure will be a good laugh 20-30 years from now.

I Love Me

Having spent several years trying to "fit in" to the mold that others thought I should fit into, I have decided no longer. No longer will I temper my honesty or opinion just because it may offend someone (when it is not an offensive statement). No longer will I subdue my personality to fit into someone else's view of how a lady should act. I will be me, unapologetic and honestly me.