I so love the Fall season. It's full of so many changes. It is the one time of the year when I think you truly see natures beauty. Alas, my Fall is full of changes this year too. Just in case you haven't figured it out from cryptic post, I am now a single mother, not by choice. My husband has made his choice to move on without me and I have to follow. I have so many regrets now (waiting to go to school until he finished, putting my career on hold for the kids) and now it will be more difficult for me to fulfill my dreams. But, I will not stop these changes for preventing me from doing the things I wanted to do, from achieving my dreams, and from finding the happiness that true love can bring. I didn't let him leave without telling him that I still loved him and wanted him to stay, I didn't want to regret not letting him know, but it wasn't enough. There is no one to blame but ourselves as we really allowed ourselves to drift so far apart that we were no longer on the same page. Hopefully, things will continue to be amicable, although I'm sure I haven't made things easy. I am amazed at how much anger I have inside right now mixed at the same time with a sense of relief. I guess I feel relief because I felt it coming for a long time. My focus is now directed at my two babies, 5 years old and 21 months old. I think I'm the saddest of all for them. My youngest will never really know his father the way the oldest does and my oldest knows how her father is and is missing him terribly, not that he is an absent father just that she is used to having him around all the time. Anyway, this will be the last time that I mention this as I cannot move forward when I am looking back.
I have been touched by an angel today and feel the need to share. I have always been a very skeptical person, but today, I have to say, I have changed my way of thinking. Tonight my daughter wanted to go out to dinner and, since Perkins has free kids night, we went there (plus she loves breakfast food so I knew she'd eat well). When we sat down, I noticed a young man, maybe in his mid to late 20's, sitting by himself reading the newspaper and, for whatever reason, I had the thought that he looked like a very kind person (not something I would normally bother to think) and was surprised to see him sitting by himself. As we sat and waited for dinner to arrive, which took forever, my daughter complained about being hungry and she saw the waiter bring the man his food and asked where ours was. Of course, I had to make a smart comment about how they had to kill the cow in the back and it was taking awhile. The man laughed and made a comment about them being slow, but worth it. We made a little small talk back and forth and he said something like, "you must be exhausted by the time you get home with two kids" and I commented about how true that was, especially being just us. Anyway, he finished his dinner and left. Once we were done, we went to the front to pay for our dinner and was told by our waiter that the man had paid for our dinner and had bought the kids some cookies. I never got a chance to say thank you or anything, which makes his kind act seem to come truly from the heart, which was even more touching. Needless to say, I was in tears after that. There was no need for him to do that. I wasn't complaining about being broke or stressed with crazy kids (they were actually very well behaved). I was just having dinner with my kids and sharing a bit of conversation with a stranger. You don't seem to see much in peoples eyes now adays, with everyone always in a rush, absorbed in their own world and in their own stresses, but I saw something in his eyes the moment I saw him sitting at his table. I saw a real aurabella - a real good soul - and I will never forget it.
My last day of my art class was today and I got 2 pics to show for it. I'm not too happy with them but not terribly disappointed either. I named the first one "Conception". I love the way the paint makes it look like there is light coming from the center. My camera automatically ajust for lack of light and I didn't use a flash, so the brightness is not from a camera flash or a light shining down on it. I haven't come up with a name for the second one.
Well, I haven't been at my best the last couple of weeks, mentally or physically, so I haven't been posting any art. I do have several new creations that I plan on posting soon, it's just a matter of getting that stupid new camera of mine to take a good picture. I consider myself a pretty tech savvy person, but this new camera has me stumped. It does too much automatically and it does it wrong. I just can't figure out a way to change the settings. Anyway, I'll be posting pics soon, just keep checking.
It seems like silly advice, to dwell in the past when your relationship feels like it is falling apart. But, we should dwell in the past, in the perfect past of the relationship. The times when the picking and playfulness were all fun and not nagging and irritating. The times of the hugging, kissing, cuddling and sincere "I love you", instead of far and few between. The times before the kids, before the stress of a mortgage - before the stress of adulthood caught up and ruined everything. Remember the times when it was easy to let things go for the sake of mutual happiness and love. Just remembering the times that it was us and not you and me before it just doesn't matter anymore.
I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me.
Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.