Finally found some motivation to write. I think it is the dreary weather combined with being sick - yuck! I've managed to avoid being sick since last Summer but I knew it would come soon enough. Anyway, I won't bore you with my whining and I'll just share my new love - watercolors. I am madly in love with using watercolors in my journals and on canvas on top of acrylic. I have a painting I started months ago and everytime I would add something else too it, it would just feel like it was wrong. I thought I would get inspired during my little get together with my friends and the only thing I thought to do was to fill the bottom of the painting with a deep red and left the top half a light blue - still hated it until I pulled out my watercolors and now it looks so completely different that you would never think it was the same painting unless I told you. So here is the before and after:





I used watercolor over the entire painting and I love it - so it's a keeper. I've also been using watercolors on my journal pages and I love the way it looks. What I really love is the fact that my pages don't stick together so much anymore. Here's my latest page:

Writer's Block

Tattoos

After much debate and design, I got a new tattoo this weekend. I have to say, this tattoo was EXTREMELY painful so it may be my last.


Here's my first tattoo, replicas of my babies feet:


I've been thinking about how I've been feeling lately and how I've been viewing my life and it just seemed really fitting - Love your Fate. My life hasn't been easy, in fact, I'd say it's been harder than most. I haven't been bitter about it though, I haven't let it destroy me. I've tried to learn from it and become a better person. I'd be lying if I said my life hasn't affected me on some level. I know that my past is the reason I was somewhat withdrawn and had walls up. I'm sure it harmed my marriage on some level as well, but I have tried to not let it overtake me. Therefore - love my fate, for were it not for my past pains and tramas I would not be who I am today. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know the person I would be and I have to say that I don't think I'd like her. I also have a wild streak buried inside me that I know would have lead me down a dangerous road.

Group Therapy

I have been sharing so much lately on my blog - getting personal and letting people see me. I have so many words going through my head right now and I find myself expressing them here, which I'd rather not do. I love my blog just the way it is - keeping my private life private, with just a few small glimpses every now and then. But, as I'm looking back at some of my more recent post, I see it is revealing more of me than I wanted. It's a little unnerving and scary but I'm trying really hard not to let that stop me. I've always had a hard time sharing what was really inside my mind, my heart, my soul. I used to be unable to even write the words down, thinking that someone would possibly see them and know me. Silly, huh? Who am I? I am not an evil person, a killer or a thief - so why do I hide? I claim to not hurt, to be able to handle anything but is that real or am I just ignoring my feelings? Seems a little ridiculous that at 36 years old, I am still wrestling with myself, but I am.
I have been feeling stifled and in need of some release - maybe a little art therapy. This weekend I finally had my little art party with a few close friends. I have to say, I had a wonderful time. I love getting to know Cheryl better - such a sweet soul, and Sandra has an aura about her that makes the room feel calm. My friend Marisa was able to come by too. Her curiosity about things makes you excited about stuff. And, of course, no gathering would be good without my dearest friend Dana (and her wonderful little boy) - my wise old woman. OK, she's only a year older but her soul seems so much more. I ended up talking and not doing much of any art, but I still had a wonderful time. As usual, I forgot to break out the camera, so no pics from the party to share. Guess I'll just have to live with the memories.

I Was Never Alone

I've been very contemplative lately. I feel like I have a clarity inside me right now that I didn't have before. For more than a year,I've been feeling very distant from my spiritual side. I've felt like prayers have gone unheard and like I've been walking this new path alone. I was feeling like I was missing something - that presence in the passenger seat beside me, that voice, or whatever you want to call it, that made me feel not alone was not there anymore and I was very bothered by it. I mean, the year my husband left me was a hard year for me as I saw the writing on the wall well before he left. Once he left, I was so depressed and worried about what I was going to do and how my life was going to be. That security I had was gone and I felt abandoned, not only by my husband but by God.
But suddenly, something clicked, I hear the "ding ding" of finally getting it. I've realized I have friends that truly care, that I am very capable of handling things on my own (no matter how much I prefer not too) and I feel like I'm becoming a better person. I know what the lesson was.
As I had said before, I was a very noncommittal person when it came to friends, in other words, they were disposable and replaceable.
This year has taught me that is not so.
I've had friends that I didn't know were friends be there for me,
call me,
email me
years after our last conversation.
Single motherhood terrified me.
I have more than "just managed" that.
I have learned to balance the complexities that are my life and have won (so far).
I don't think I would have done that depending on God, relying on Him and pinning my hopes and prayers on Him that He would make everything right. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that He wasn't there. He was showing me that He is there in the people that he has put into my life and in all the circumstances that come along and I struggle to understand. He helped me to stand on my own two feet by making me realize that He already gave me the strength to manage through this and now I feel His presence everywhere.  He made me see that He is always all around me in places that I'm not even looking. In my time of need, He helped me become a stronger me. It feels good...great, to know that He has made me into this strong person. I love that I turn to Him whether I'm happy or sad now, not only when I have no one else. Now, when things are going good, when I feel on top of the world, He is there to share in my joy, to tell me, "See Lisa, I knew you could do it all along."

Modern Woman

I felt the need to preface this post with this statement. Maybe I shouldn't because it really would just be contrary to the post below, but I don't want loved ones to worry. I had written the entry below in my journal several years ago and was reminded of it today as I spoke to someone. He was telling me how great it is that I have been able to "manage my life" as a single mother. As well, just last week I had someone tell me how it's so wonderful that I am happily single (as if I shouldn't be) despite having to handle everything by myself and that they really admire me. Statements like that seem wonderful to hear, don't they? That I'm such a great and powerful woman, a modern woman, that can do it all on my own - I need no one. But really, it's not. It is what had kept me from truly getting close to people, making great friends. It made me push away anyone that made me feel loved and wanted. It was my way of making myself the woman that everyone thought I was, keeping myself distant so that I can stay strong if someone was to try to hurt me. Deep down inside all I wanted to do was have someone else make everything better. I wanted to be the helpless woman that gets rescued at the end of the movie by her super hero. Too many times women try to be strong now and don't like to admit when they need help or show their feelings, so maybe this post would apply to most of us women anyway. I'm learning to let all that go. Hope everyone else is too. Enjoy.

Can I let you in on something?
I hate it when people tell me they admire me because I'm an independent woman.
I can't stand being told how wonderful it is that I have been able to hold myself together through everything I've endured in life.
I don't want to hear how you wish you were as strong as me, how you wish you were able to handle as much as me.
...I don't want to be strong
...I don't want to be alone
...I don't want to be the person to admire
I want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be ok,
That things will get better,
That they will be my crutch, there to hold me up and help me out.
I want to be a child.
I don't want to cope,
I want to breakdown,
Fall apart,
Be an emotional wreck
But I can't.
I no longer know how to let go,
How to share my pain,
How to cry.
I've spent too much time being someone else,
The imaginary Wonder Woman
The one that doesn't need a man to rescue her,
That I don't know how to be the child inside.

The Dog Days are Over

Have I told you how wonderful I feel? I have been feeling so blessed this year and felt the urge to share it. Be it the meds (Celexa Rocks!), the freakin beautiful Spring weather, or be it actual positivity around me, it does not matter. I am happy, happy, happy. You know what makes me the happiest? That it is not because I have a new man in my life or a new friend or a new job - it's because life is sweet. I can smell the roses, see the light at the end of the tunnel, feel the vibrations (ala Markie Mark). I am satisfied with my job, I have few friends but the ones I have are fantabulous, and men - well, I'm willing to wait for the right one.
I don't think things are perfect, but that's ok. I am fine with my life just the way it is. Though I will continue to strive for more, I am content with what I have and what I have been given. My biggest desire for myself has been to be able to change my perspective on things and I feel like I have truly succeeded in that. In the past I've noticed all the bad things and haven't ever noticed how many goods things I've had in life. Don't get me wrong, I've had lots of crap in my life - I mean lots and lots - but that crap has made me the person that I am. Had my life been easy, I'm sure I would've been a different person - an ugly person. So, I am celebrating today - the dog days are over.