I Was Never Alone

I've been very contemplative lately. I feel like I have a clarity inside me right now that I didn't have before. For more than a year,I've been feeling very distant from my spiritual side. I've felt like prayers have gone unheard and like I've been walking this new path alone. I was feeling like I was missing something - that presence in the passenger seat beside me, that voice, or whatever you want to call it, that made me feel not alone was not there anymore and I was very bothered by it. I mean, the year my husband left me was a hard year for me as I saw the writing on the wall well before he left. Once he left, I was so depressed and worried about what I was going to do and how my life was going to be. That security I had was gone and I felt abandoned, not only by my husband but by God.
But suddenly, something clicked, I hear the "ding ding" of finally getting it. I've realized I have friends that truly care, that I am very capable of handling things on my own (no matter how much I prefer not too) and I feel like I'm becoming a better person. I know what the lesson was.
As I had said before, I was a very noncommittal person when it came to friends, in other words, they were disposable and replaceable.
This year has taught me that is not so.
I've had friends that I didn't know were friends be there for me,
call me,
email me
years after our last conversation.
Single motherhood terrified me.
I have more than "just managed" that.
I have learned to balance the complexities that are my life and have won (so far).
I don't think I would have done that depending on God, relying on Him and pinning my hopes and prayers on Him that He would make everything right. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that He wasn't there. He was showing me that He is there in the people that he has put into my life and in all the circumstances that come along and I struggle to understand. He helped me to stand on my own two feet by making me realize that He already gave me the strength to manage through this and now I feel His presence everywhere.  He made me see that He is always all around me in places that I'm not even looking. In my time of need, He helped me become a stronger me. It feels good...great, to know that He has made me into this strong person. I love that I turn to Him whether I'm happy or sad now, not only when I have no one else. Now, when things are going good, when I feel on top of the world, He is there to share in my joy, to tell me, "See Lisa, I knew you could do it all along."

Modern Woman

I felt the need to preface this post with this statement. Maybe I shouldn't because it really would just be contrary to the post below, but I don't want loved ones to worry. I had written the entry below in my journal several years ago and was reminded of it today as I spoke to someone. He was telling me how great it is that I have been able to "manage my life" as a single mother. As well, just last week I had someone tell me how it's so wonderful that I am happily single (as if I shouldn't be) despite having to handle everything by myself and that they really admire me. Statements like that seem wonderful to hear, don't they? That I'm such a great and powerful woman, a modern woman, that can do it all on my own - I need no one. But really, it's not. It is what had kept me from truly getting close to people, making great friends. It made me push away anyone that made me feel loved and wanted. It was my way of making myself the woman that everyone thought I was, keeping myself distant so that I can stay strong if someone was to try to hurt me. Deep down inside all I wanted to do was have someone else make everything better. I wanted to be the helpless woman that gets rescued at the end of the movie by her super hero. Too many times women try to be strong now and don't like to admit when they need help or show their feelings, so maybe this post would apply to most of us women anyway. I'm learning to let all that go. Hope everyone else is too. Enjoy.

Can I let you in on something?
I hate it when people tell me they admire me because I'm an independent woman.
I can't stand being told how wonderful it is that I have been able to hold myself together through everything I've endured in life.
I don't want to hear how you wish you were as strong as me, how you wish you were able to handle as much as me.
...I don't want to be strong
...I don't want to be alone
...I don't want to be the person to admire
I want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be ok,
That things will get better,
That they will be my crutch, there to hold me up and help me out.
I want to be a child.
I don't want to cope,
I want to breakdown,
Fall apart,
Be an emotional wreck
But I can't.
I no longer know how to let go,
How to share my pain,
How to cry.
I've spent too much time being someone else,
The imaginary Wonder Woman
The one that doesn't need a man to rescue her,
That I don't know how to be the child inside.

The Dog Days are Over

Have I told you how wonderful I feel? I have been feeling so blessed this year and felt the urge to share it. Be it the meds (Celexa Rocks!), the freakin beautiful Spring weather, or be it actual positivity around me, it does not matter. I am happy, happy, happy. You know what makes me the happiest? That it is not because I have a new man in my life or a new friend or a new job - it's because life is sweet. I can smell the roses, see the light at the end of the tunnel, feel the vibrations (ala Markie Mark). I am satisfied with my job, I have few friends but the ones I have are fantabulous, and men - well, I'm willing to wait for the right one.
I don't think things are perfect, but that's ok. I am fine with my life just the way it is. Though I will continue to strive for more, I am content with what I have and what I have been given. My biggest desire for myself has been to be able to change my perspective on things and I feel like I have truly succeeded in that. In the past I've noticed all the bad things and haven't ever noticed how many goods things I've had in life. Don't get me wrong, I've had lots of crap in my life - I mean lots and lots - but that crap has made me the person that I am. Had my life been easy, I'm sure I would've been a different person - an ugly person. So, I am celebrating today - the dog days are over.

Nubian Princess

Have you ever met someone who left such a lasting impression on you in the little time you were with them, that 20 years later, you can still remember the way they made you feel? A week after my 18th birthday I met that person. I won't get into the background story, as it is VERY personal and something that I don't think I'd want to share here, but I wanted to tell you a little about her. I first saw her in a room where a few of us were herded. As she spoke to the group, she looked down at the floor and had a lot of anger in the things she said. I thought she was cold and mean when she was done. Maybe an hour or so later, I was sitting and crying and she came in. With only 3 sentences spoken to me, she made me feel better, so much so that I had a smile on my face. So much so, that almost 20 years later, though I cannot remember what she looked like, I can still feel inside me the spark that she put there with her words. She was a princess to me.

Fear

I'm pretty sure I've posted before about fear holding me back from life. Fear prevented me from accomplishing a lot of things in my life. I never finished college because I thought I was making the wrong career choice and because I might fail at my job. I let someone I love deeply go because I was afraid I wouldn't get to experience life the way I wanted to at the time and because I was afraid I'd never be first in his life. I could continue, but I think you get the picture. I've tried to not let fear rule over my life but it's been a slow process. Journaling and blogging have helped quite a bit, though, so I feel like I may be breaking free any day now. I'm setting new goals, small ones to start, and maybe one day I'll no longer be afraid to finish school or take that second chance at a great relationship. You never know.

Bargains Galore

I LOVE BARGAINS. Can I say that again?? I love bargains!! Before going to see my friend PhePhe (otherwise known as Ophelia), I made a stop at my local Asian market and got some goodies for super cheap - some aprons, asian papers and envelopes, and newpapers and pamphlets.

Once I left there, went to Ophelia's demo and went thrifting afterwards and got some awesome small books for $.10-.50 ea and 10 National Geographic mags for $1 (not pictured). I think I spent about $4.

Then picked up a BOX of free goodies from my besty Dana (yes, that girl). I forgot to take a picture of that before I put them all away but it was a box full of pretty papers, ephemera and paints. I'm feeling like a lucky girl today!

Done Fitting In

Funny how your attitude about things change as you get older. I am Hispanic, Puerto Rican to be exact. I've lived in the USA pretty much my entire life. When we came here, we moved to Texas where we were surrounded by Hispanic people from different backgrounds, i.e. not everyone was Mexican. But, once we moved to North Carolina, it was different. The only Hispanics that you saw here were the migrant workers that would come in the summer then leave. We stuck out like a sore thumb and everyone seemed ready to point it out to us. I became ashamed of my heritage. I lived out in the country, in the middle of nothing, where you are either black or white and if you're not "pure" white, then you must be black (as if that is a bad thing). I suddenly didn't know what I was. Where I lived in Texas, color wasn't an issue or really discussed - you were just a person. Where I grew up in NC, one of the first questions someone would ask is, "What are you?", as if your skin not being pale and hair blond made you some how less than human. Now I know better. I know that I am beautiful, with my dark curly hair, brown eyes and lightly tan skin with lovely curves that only Hispanic women can pull off so well. I am glad that I do not look like a typical Southern girl (not that there is anything wrong with that look). Who would want to look the same?? I want to stand out in a crowd and be noticed.