Insane? Really??

What a long strange day it has been. I know I haven't been around much lately, but I just haven't been creating anything new. I've been writing, but just not wanting to share. I decided to take an extra day off and make it a 4 day weekend in hopes of maybe finding some motivation or something but instead spent most of it sleeping.
I went to visit my friend, Ophelia at Jerry's today and was talking to her about how completely lazy I have been this weekend, taking several naps on Friday and a 5 hour nap on Saturday. Now, when it comes to sleep, I don't do it well - I never have. I suffered from night terrors as a child, would sleep walk and talk in my sleep. This was not an "on occasion" occurrence, but fairly often and have been known to act out in my sleep even as an adult (my ex can tell you some funny stories of my punching him in my sleep then giggling about it). So, to get back to my story, I tell my friend about my naps and a total stranger walks by and says that I'm probably depressed. Really?? You know that from overhearing one little statement? I really didn't bother with letting her know how I felt about her butting into my conversation, but it put a bug in my mind. Am I depressed? I mean, I am the master when it comes to being totally oblivious to how I really feel. I've spent so many years hiding my feelings to keep control of my sanity that I don't recognize when I am heavy hearted until I am in total despair. As annoying as it was to have someone walking by to comment on my state of mind, I wonder if someone was trying to drop a hint. I wonder if God was trying to tell me that I am falling and I need to get up. It seems so silly to be my age and not know myself, but I don't. So, i guess I will begin the self-analysis and hopefully get myself out of this creative funk and maybe not fall into a mental funk.

Internet Porn

I am so ashamed - I have become addicted.
Yes, very embarrassing to admit, but my time has been spent away from my art, away from writing or blogging and has all been spent on my version of internet porn: Pinterest.
Eye candy galore.
Ideas out the ying yang.
So sadly, no new "real" post to write or art to show. Just wanted to share my new addiction with you so that I can drag you into it too.
I have been reading quite a bit though and have renewed my love of poetry. Pablo Neruda is currently at the top of my list and definitely worth a read. I've also been reading Pablo Coelho's blog. I love the way he writes - it's almost like his words are singing. Maybe that's why I haven't bothered - reading something as beautiful as he writes then trying to write myself, makes my writing look like a first graders work. But, I'm getting back in the groove. Trying to keep my computer off until late evening and playing with the kids. Mother's day was nice and that was the day I decided to give a gift to my kids - to give them a real mother. Not that I'm a horrid mother, but I know I could be much better. I think I got stuck in the mentality that "I never thought I'd have kids because I wouldn't be a good mother", and because of that, I've never tried to be a good mother. Kinda like someone telling you that you'll never amount to anything so you never end up trying because you've always been told you'd fail. Unfortunately I was the one calling myself a failure at parenthood - but because of that, I can fix it. I can be a good mom. I have started small. I got a hammock and the kids and I lay in it almost everyday before we go into the house. Normally, I would make some excuse to have to go in and not lay around with them. We also have movie night were we all sit together with no CPU or cell phone and I've let them stay up a little later. So far so good - at least I know Isabel loves it.

So anyway, I hope you make your way to Pinterest and enjoy it as much as I have.

Grateful Easter

I'll never be able to show what it meant to me.
(image borrowed from a dear friend)

Finally found some motivation to write. I think it is the dreary weather combined with being sick - yuck! I've managed to avoid being sick since last Summer but I knew it would come soon enough. Anyway, I won't bore you with my whining and I'll just share my new love - watercolors. I am madly in love with using watercolors in my journals and on canvas on top of acrylic. I have a painting I started months ago and everytime I would add something else too it, it would just feel like it was wrong. I thought I would get inspired during my little get together with my friends and the only thing I thought to do was to fill the bottom of the painting with a deep red and left the top half a light blue - still hated it until I pulled out my watercolors and now it looks so completely different that you would never think it was the same painting unless I told you. So here is the before and after:





I used watercolor over the entire painting and I love it - so it's a keeper. I've also been using watercolors on my journal pages and I love the way it looks. What I really love is the fact that my pages don't stick together so much anymore. Here's my latest page:

Writer's Block

Tattoos

After much debate and design, I got a new tattoo this weekend. I have to say, this tattoo was EXTREMELY painful so it may be my last.


Here's my first tattoo, replicas of my babies feet:


I've been thinking about how I've been feeling lately and how I've been viewing my life and it just seemed really fitting - Love your Fate. My life hasn't been easy, in fact, I'd say it's been harder than most. I haven't been bitter about it though, I haven't let it destroy me. I've tried to learn from it and become a better person. I'd be lying if I said my life hasn't affected me on some level. I know that my past is the reason I was somewhat withdrawn and had walls up. I'm sure it harmed my marriage on some level as well, but I have tried to not let it overtake me. Therefore - love my fate, for were it not for my past pains and tramas I would not be who I am today. In fact, I'm pretty sure I know the person I would be and I have to say that I don't think I'd like her. I also have a wild streak buried inside me that I know would have lead me down a dangerous road.

Group Therapy

I have been sharing so much lately on my blog - getting personal and letting people see me. I have so many words going through my head right now and I find myself expressing them here, which I'd rather not do. I love my blog just the way it is - keeping my private life private, with just a few small glimpses every now and then. But, as I'm looking back at some of my more recent post, I see it is revealing more of me than I wanted. It's a little unnerving and scary but I'm trying really hard not to let that stop me. I've always had a hard time sharing what was really inside my mind, my heart, my soul. I used to be unable to even write the words down, thinking that someone would possibly see them and know me. Silly, huh? Who am I? I am not an evil person, a killer or a thief - so why do I hide? I claim to not hurt, to be able to handle anything but is that real or am I just ignoring my feelings? Seems a little ridiculous that at 36 years old, I am still wrestling with myself, but I am.
I have been feeling stifled and in need of some release - maybe a little art therapy. This weekend I finally had my little art party with a few close friends. I have to say, I had a wonderful time. I love getting to know Cheryl better - such a sweet soul, and Sandra has an aura about her that makes the room feel calm. My friend Marisa was able to come by too. Her curiosity about things makes you excited about stuff. And, of course, no gathering would be good without my dearest friend Dana (and her wonderful little boy) - my wise old woman. OK, she's only a year older but her soul seems so much more. I ended up talking and not doing much of any art, but I still had a wonderful time. As usual, I forgot to break out the camera, so no pics from the party to share. Guess I'll just have to live with the memories.