Sunday, May 29, 2011

Insane? Really??

What a long strange day it has been. I know I haven't been around much lately, but I just haven't been creating anything new. I've been writing, but just not wanting to share. I decided to take an extra day off and make it a 4 day weekend in hopes of maybe finding some motivation or something but instead spent most of it sleeping.
I went to visit my friend, Ophelia at Jerry's today and was talking to her about how completely lazy I have been this weekend, taking several naps on Friday and a 5 hour nap on Saturday. Now, when it comes to sleep, I don't do it well - I never have. I suffered from night terrors as a child, would sleep walk and talk in my sleep. This was not an "on occasion" occurrence, but fairly often and have been known to act out in my sleep even as an adult (my ex can tell you some funny stories of my punching him in my sleep then giggling about it). So, to get back to my story, I tell my friend about my naps and a total stranger walks by and says that I'm probably depressed. Really?? You know that from overhearing one little statement? I really didn't bother with letting her know how I felt about her butting into my conversation, but it put a bug in my mind. Am I depressed? I mean, I am the master when it comes to being totally oblivious to how I really feel. I've spent so many years hiding my feelings to keep control of my sanity that I don't recognize when I am heavy hearted until I am in total despair. As annoying as it was to have someone walking by to comment on my state of mind, I wonder if someone was trying to drop a hint. I wonder if God was trying to tell me that I am falling and I need to get up. It seems so silly to be my age and not know myself, but I don't. So, i guess I will begin the self-analysis and hopefully get myself out of this creative funk and maybe not fall into a mental funk.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Internet Porn

I am so ashamed - I have become addicted.
Yes, very embarrassing to admit, but my time has been spent away from my art, away from writing or blogging and has all been spent on my version of internet porn: Pinterest.
Eye candy galore.
Ideas out the ying yang.
So sadly, no new "real" post to write or art to show. Just wanted to share my new addiction with you so that I can drag you into it too.
I have been reading quite a bit though and have renewed my love of poetry. Pablo Neruda is currently at the top of my list and definitely worth a read. I've also been reading Pablo Coelho's blog. I love the way he writes - it's almost like his words are singing. Maybe that's why I haven't bothered - reading something as beautiful as he writes then trying to write myself, makes my writing look like a first graders work. But, I'm getting back in the groove. Trying to keep my computer off until late evening and playing with the kids. Mother's day was nice and that was the day I decided to give a gift to my kids - to give them a real mother. Not that I'm a horrid mother, but I know I could be much better. I think I got stuck in the mentality that "I never thought I'd have kids because I wouldn't be a good mother", and because of that, I've never tried to be a good mother. Kinda like someone telling you that you'll never amount to anything so you never end up trying because you've always been told you'd fail. Unfortunately I was the one calling myself a failure at parenthood - but because of that, I can fix it. I can be a good mom. I have started small. I got a hammock and the kids and I lay in it almost everyday before we go into the house. Normally, I would make some excuse to have to go in and not lay around with them. We also have movie night were we all sit together with no CPU or cell phone and I've let them stay up a little later. So far so good - at least I know Isabel loves it.

So anyway, I hope you make your way to Pinterest and enjoy it as much as I have.
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