It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want

What happened? I am suddenly becoming old. OK, I know it didn't happen overnight, but I am REALLY noticing it now. I've never had a problem with getting older. Yeah, things were sagging more and I can't suck in my gut the way I used to, but I have yet to get a gray hair and I don't have any wrinkles, at least that's what I tell myself. This year is different, though. This year I will be 35 years old - in fact, at the end of this month. That is the age that all the medical journals tell you your body is on its way down. Pregnancy becomes difficult and if you manage to get pregnant, complications abound. I have no intention of having anymore kids, but this thought bothers me, as if I am not longer a woman capable of bearing a healthy child. And, yes, I know that this doesn't happen overnight and not everyone at this age has complications, but the medical community stuck an age on it and it so happens to be 35. I now look in the mirror and see an adult. I see how stress and the reality of life has changed my face from the sweet, naive look of my teen years, to this mature, bitter woman of the world. I wouldn't say that I'm angry about it, but I'm definitely not happy about it. So, instead of partying all night (or moping) on the 28th, I'll count my blessings. I will be thankful for my and my families good health, I'll be grateful that I have a job and am not struggling in this economy and I'll remember that I have friends that love me -wrinkles and all!!

I Try for Him

I find myself more and more comfortable calling myself a Christian. Thinking about it, I think this is the first time I have truly professed it to others, save for a select few other Christian friends. Many years ago, I left the church, bitter and angry with God and Christianity. Sparing all the details, I had a lot of bad experiences caused by people who were "devote and holy people". People that were really nothing but hypocrites. Suddenly being on the outside looking in just made me feel more bitter towards Christianity. Just seemed like there were a lot of people preaching one thing and doing another, spewing hate instead of love, damnation instead of forgiveness. After a few years of searching for something else and dabbling in other things, I had a re-awakening as I like to call it. In all those years, I still found myself turning to God, talking to him, even though I was denying his existence. I debated and reasoned with him every chance I got, asking for explanations as to why things were the way they were, how He could allow things to be this way. In that time, I became friends with someone who was so different from other people I knew. She did not walk around preaching or judging, she just was who she was. She was a reflection of what I thought Christianity was about and was supposed to be and she became my inspiration without knowing it. Unfortunately, I changed jobs and didn't get to see her after except for one visit, which is when I let her know what she had done for me. But, in her friendship I realized what it was that I was looking for in Christianity, I realized my anger was with Christians and not with Christ, and that I wanted to be a Christian. Not a Christian that gets dressed every Sunday morning in her nice clothes and sits in a pew listening to a preacher and singing hymns, regurgitating memorized passages to other believers (not that there is anything wrong with that). I wanted to be a follower of His word, I wanted to be the person Christ asked me to be. I do not pretend to be perfect nor do I act like what some people believe a Christian should act like, but I try my best to be a reflection of Christianity in my actions. I try not to judge, I try to forgive, and I try to just be a good person. This is the Christian I am and I'm OK with that. And, Stephanie, I hope you are still doing well...

Love and Hate

I have a love/hate relationship with this whole motherhood thing. There are many things I miss about being child-free. Then I think about the silly little things that my children do and it puts a big smile on my face. So here are a few of my loves and misses (since I don't really like the word hate).

LOVE:

• Hugs and kisses
• Being looked at like I am the most beautiful, important person in the world
• First comment from daughter after having her baby brother, "Wow Mommy, you're really skinny."
• Reliving the excitement of life through my children
• The silly things my kids do and say that only I can manage to find adorable

NOT LOVING/MISS:

• Alone time/my space
• Peace and quiet
• Reverting to immaturity when "debating" with my daughter
• The neverending questions
• Doing and saying all those things I swore I wouldn't do or say when I became a mother
• The second thing my daughter said to me after having her baby brother, " but your legs are still big". I won't even defend my swollen legs as I know other moms know what that is all about.

I have to say, I think the "loves" definitely outweigh everything else. Your turn. Link back or let me know if you post!

**Just to reitterate - I LOVE my children and wouldn't trade them for the world.

NC Museum of Art

If I needed any proof that I need to get any exercise, today I was struck across the head with a bat. The NC Museum of Art has trails of art outdoors that wind throughout the 164 acre property. They've got great sculptures and interactive displays, like the Whisper Bench, that are very interesting. Unfortunately for me, all of the trails head downhill. Which is great coming, but stinks for going. I have no idea how long the trails are through the Museum Park, but it was way too long for me. It was pretty warm today and sunny, so we didn't go through all of it (not that I'm complaining). Not too happy that I missed the Cloud Chamber for the Trees and the Sky. Maybe next time. I do have to say though, that after resting for a few hours now, I do feel refreshingly good.


Isabel contemplating the sculptures


Collapse I by Ledelle Moe


To see Jennie smile by Steven Siegel


Made of stacks of newspaper, about 23 feet tall

Curse of the Curly Hair

I've had many people tell me how jealous they are that they don't have curly hair, that they would love to have my hair. Well, having dealt with this curly hair for 30+ years, I know the effort it takes to make it look good and how after all that effort, all it takes is a slight humidity in the air to totally ruin all that hard work. The only physical trait of mine that my son managed to inherit is my curly hair, and boy do the women love it. Everyone always comments on how cute it is and how he's going to have to fight the girls off him. I know better and I have proof.

Confessions of a Slacker Mom

I am so ashamed, or at least I should be. Since working, I rarely cook and I have to say, I think my children are the worse for it. At first, we would go out to eat, then it changed to picking up McD or pizza. I've wanted to stop that habit, so I've been refusing to pick anything up, but I haven't gone to the grocery store to get dinner stuff. So, what did my kids have for dinner tonight? Cheese sandwich and carrots. Not the best, but at least I can say it was half way healthy with the addition of the carrots. Many times, I just let them snack on whatever, which usually consist of pop tarts and goldfish crackers. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out a way to get healthy, really food on the table without stressing myself out trying to get dinner done. By the time I get home with the kids, it's 5:45 and the kids are starving. My youngest goes to be around 6:00-6:15 and the oldest goes down at 7pm, so how the heck am I supposed to get anything that resembles a real meal completed in time for them to eat? I mean, I'm lucky if the kids get a bath since I prefer give them time with mommy and daddy. They say it takes to weeks to form a habit so, for the next 2 weeks, I'll cook a healthy meal every night. It has to be cheap, easy and something different for every night. Is this too lofty of a goal to set for myself? I sure hope not.

All my baby would eat. Can't blame him...

i like my body when it is with your - e.e. cummings

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh… And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new